The Fuckit

So......ever wake up funky? Commonly called "the wrong side of the bed" with an attitude of "fuckit". That was me this morning after a ten hour shift, getting to bed at 2AM and up at nine. As I lay there not wanting to be conscious and deal with the day, I recognized that much of my squeaking squirrel cage was someone else's rat and not the cute fluffy squirrel with the velvet painting eyes that I know and love.

After laying there for an hour, tossing, turning, and churning in chronic negativity, I got up and smudged, prayed, picked up the phone and called someone I love and talked about it and cried for half and hour. It took me some time to recognize that in what I call my "empath glitch", often feeling so much for others and ignoring or denying any empathy for myself. Seeing myself as running on empty so to speak. Fucked up thinking perhaps, yet that's how I awakened today.

I got a call last night from a man in Massachusetts. He spun out his car in a snowstorm coming home from Vermont and was out in the middle of nowhere at midnight, his car totaled, asking me to call any MKP Brothers I know to help him. I immediately felt his panic, fear, and hopelessness and had to tell him I was working and could not talk. I wished him luck and had to hang up, yet I was hooked into his drama and worried about him. On of the rats on my wheel this morning.

Now this man I have an attachment to. A former client who almost made it to the weekend a few years ago but turned around half way there because he was afraid his woman would leave him, which she eventually did. He carries twice the drama that I drag around in my life, yet I feel for him. I have watched him grow leaps and bounds by simply following my suggestions around books to read and a couple of hours a month of my "giveaway therapy" over the phone. He is actually doing his work in some manner other than MKP. He also has double digit sobriety and continues to devote himself to 12 Step work.

Additionally, Spud called me yesterday and verbally abused me for not keeping him sober. I listened to his drunken rants on what an asshole I was as I could not come over and "fluff his pillow". When I told him to stop drinking and consider yet another journey to inpatient, he once again said, "fuck you Steven", and hung up. Another rat on the wheel.

So, as I feel so much for these men in chaos. I must, absolutely must, stay present with gratitude for the here and now. I have noticed as I get hooked into the drama of the chaotic events that show up in my life, that I suffer hugely. Perhaps I simply can choose to not answer the phone as I know who is calling? Can I be so cold and callous as that? No, I will pick up the phone. I will always treat others the way I wish to be treated. After all, someone picked up my phone call this morning and listened to my pain. For that I am grateful.

StevenLoon

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If I can get through the day without condemning, criticizing or complaining, it's been a good day. If I don't give advice, it's been perfect. - Flloyd Ashcraft