Catharsis Homophobix

So.........I talked to a man today who attended a men's weekend in another part of the country recently. I was part of a similar weekend in my neighborhood at the same time. He told me of the many Gay men on staff with him, being "cruised" and not wanting to be "eye candy", and to not be perceived as homophobic. My own journey into that neighborhood of pain surfaced as I heard and consoled his fears. I told him I would write a story.........some of you know parts of this story. Perhaps I will go deeper........

My sexual wounding began very early. Raped at four, molested at eight, molested again at ten and eleven. I was sexually attacked by a man on a train from Pocatello to Seattle when I was 15, the conductor threw him off at the next stop and kept a close eye on me the rest of the trip as he was a caring man. It seemed as if I were a magnet for men who liked boys. As the years progressed there were dozens of similar episodes. As I began to mature into a man, the only boundaries I knew were to run, say "leave me alone", or close my fist and start hitting. I broke a nose or two along the way, breaking my hand once on a man who tried pulling me into his car when I was in a blackout.

My first sex with a female was also at four, again at seven, and seduced into a house by a naked older woman when I was eight. Again, a magnet. So much sex education for a youngster in the late 1950's. Considering myself heterosexual, the thought of having sex with men was there at times, yet the violent nature of the beast I experienced blocked my venture down that path. A path of pain and fear for me. I love women and having sex with women. The thought of having sex with a man does not excite me, although today I accept sexual preferences as I understand them.

In my first I-Group, 11 years ago, there were three Gay men in our circle. . I was very homophobic and judgmental and acted like all was well, yet I would drive home in tears of fear after group. Eventually I faced my dragon by taking action and finding the man who molested me when I was 10 and 11. I sent him a letter asking him why. He answered within a few days and I forgave him as a result. I read the letters to my I-Group and the process work began.

I did not know that Gay men were heterophobic. I was picked to play the Gaybasher and got all my judgmental voices heard as the Gay men played my perpetrator. Anger was released along with fear and sadness. After a few weeks, I relaxed into the joy of no longer being triggered by the sexual advances of men. That I was able to voice and hold my boundaries without verbal or physical threats. Catharsis Homophobix I call my work in this. A new found freedom as I took the shards that surfaced a little later on to a Gay man I trust.

Last year, I staffed the Gateway Weekend here in the Northwest, enrolling an 18 year old Gay man from a place I once worked. Being one of eight straight men on staff, I was totally at ease with the flow of the weekend. Of all my staffings to that point, that weekend was the most emotionally healing for me. Shortly thereafter, I began to reach out to Gay men in my community and show them the way to the weekend.

I still get cruised and approached by men I do not know. They ask me if I am interested and I say no. I take some time to talk and if it fits, I pass on a brochure. One man at a time......

StevenLoon



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If I can get through the day without condemning, criticizing or complaining, it's been a good day. If I don't give advice, it's been perfect. - Flloyd Ashcraft

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If I can get through the day without condemning, criticizing or complaining, it's been a good day. If I don't give advice, it's been perfect. - Flloyd Ashcraft